1. Introduction: When You Want a Divorce but Your Partner Doesn’t
“I want a divorce, but my husband doesn’t” is an unpleasant situation that occurs more often than you might think. In the Netherlands, each partner has the legal right to file for divorce unilaterally, even if the other partner does not want a divorce. A partner who does not want a divorce has six weeks to respond to the petition.
In this comprehensive guide, you will learn everything about the legal options, emotional aspects, and practical steps you can take when your partner does not want to cooperate with a divorce. You will discover how mediation can help, what steps you need to take, and how you can make the divorce process as smooth as possible. A mediator can help to arrange the divorce in a good way and often prevents a messy divorce. Talking to a mediator about not wanting to divorce is considered useful and enlightening.
The most important thing to know is that your partner’s consent is not required to get a divorce. Dutch law recognises ‘irretrievable breakdown of the marriage’ as the only grounds for divorce. This means that if the marriage is irretrievably damaged, you can always file a unilateral petition with the court.
Everyone knows that divorce is a difficult period, but it is important to understand that you are not trapped in a relationship that no longer works.
2. Why Your Partner Does Not Want a Divorce: Common Reasons
2.1 Emotional Reasons
When one partner wants a divorce and the other does not, both partners are often in different stages of the acceptance process. It is quite possible that your partner is in a different stage of the grieving process than you are. After all, divorce is a form of grieving with recognisable stages. It can create misunderstanding if one partner is further along in the grieving process than the other.
- Denial: “This will pass, our relationship is actually fine.”
- Anger: “You’re destroying our family.”
- Bargaining: “Let’s try relationship counselling.”
- Sadness: Realisation that the marriage is truly over
- Acceptance: Willingness to make agreements together
Your partner may still be in the denial stage or hoping that the marriage can be saved. Recognising which stage someone is in can help you to understand each other’s reactions better. Show understanding for these emotions, even if you have already made the decision to divorce. It is very difficult when there is a lack of understanding about each other’s points of view. Fear of the unknown can cause a partner to not want to divorce. The thought of divorce often evokes sadness, fear and pain. Make sure there is room for mutual understanding when communicating about the divorce.
Other emotional reasons why partners do not want to divorce:
- Fear of the unknown and having to go it alone
- Emotional attachment to family life as it is now
- Confidence that you will save each other through good communication
2.2 Practical objections
In addition to emotions, practical considerations often play a role when a partner does not want to divorce:
- Financial concerns: Fear of the costs of divorce and uncertainty about the future financial situation
- Housing: Who can continue to live in the house and how will the division be arranged
- Children: Concerns about the impact on minor children and parenting arrangements
- Religious beliefs: Religious objections to divorce
- Social pressure: Judgements from family, friends and the wider community
It is important to take these objections seriously in conversations with your partner, even if your decision is final.
3. Why Unilateral Divorce Is Sometimes Necessary
Although a mutual divorce is always preferable, there are situations in which a unilateral divorce is the best option:
Advantages for all involved:
- Ending a chronically conflictual marriage prevents further emotional damage
- Children benefit from clarity and stability over prolonged uncertainty
- Both partners are given the opportunity to rebuild their lives
- Financial situations can be clearly settled
Impact on children: Research shows that children suffer more from prolonged conflict between parents than from an amicable divorce. When parents continue to argue and are unable to reach agreements, an unhealthy home environment is created. Reaching agreements together, for example about the care of the children and the division of responsibilities, is essential to ensure the well-being of the children. Even if it is difficult to reach agreement, it helps to come to joint agreements with the help of a mediator, thereby creating peace and clarity for the whole family.
Statistics on forced relationships: Studies show that marriages in which one partner remains against their will have less than a 15% chance of long-term recovery. It is therefore often better to engage in open communication and be honest about your feelings.
4. Comparison: Unilateral divorce vs. joint divorce
| Aspect | Joint divorce | Unilateral divorce |
|---|---|---|
| Duration | 3-6 months | 6 months – 2 years |
| Cost | € 2,500 – € 4,000 | € 3,000 – € 10,000 |
| Emotional impact | Low (cooperation) | High (conflict possible) |
| Mediation possible | Yes, highly recommended | Limited, depending on cooperation |
| Court proceedings | Simple | Complex, possible appeal |
| Control over outcome | High (own agreements) | Limited (judge decides) |
Please note: Due to the workload of the courts, court proceedings can often take longer than mediation.
When is mediation still possible? Mediation can even help in unilateral situations, provided both partners are willing to engage in dialogue. Mediation is always recommended when one partner does not want to divorce. Mediators are neutral and independent facilitators who can help to reach agreements, even if one of the partners is not immediately willing to cooperate. By choosing mediation, partners can handle their divorce in a dignified manner. A mediator can help with:
- Discussing different points of view
- Making practical arrangements about children and finances
- Reducing conflicts during the process
When is unilateral proceedings necessary? Mediation is non-binding; no one can be forced to participate in mediation.
- Complete refusal to engage in any form of consultation
- Aggressive or threatening behaviour
- Deliberately delaying or sabotaging procedures
- Unwillingness to make reasonable agreements
In unilateral proceedings, judges ultimately decide on the divorce. Several judges may be involved in objection or appeal proceedings, which can delay the process.
5. The Challenges of Unilateral Divorce
A unilateral divorce presents unique challenges, especially when your partner does not want to divorce. The lack of proper consultation can slow down the process and make it more complicated. You are often left to make important decisions on your own about the division of property, the care of minor children and financial matters such as alimony. It is therefore wise to try to reach agreements with your ex-partner where possible. This prevents unnecessary conflicts and can speed up the divorce process.
If the other partner is unwilling to cooperate, it is necessary to file a unilateral petition for divorce with the court. This means that you will need to have your solicitor draft and submit a petition. The judge will then rule on the divorce and the division of certain matters. Keep in mind that the other partner may object or even appeal the judge’s ruling. This can prolong the process and cause additional stress.
It is important to realise that a unilateral divorce can be difficult not only legally, but also emotionally. You will have to deal with your partner’s lack of understanding, resistance and sometimes even opposition. Professional help from a mediator or solicitor is therefore essential to get through the process as smoothly as possible. They can advise you on the best approach, support you in making agreements and guide you during court hearings. This increases the chance of a fair and workable outcome, even if your partner does not want to divorce.
5. Step-by-step: How to divorce when your partner does not want to
Step 1: Preparation and Self-Examination
Be sure of your decision:
- Take the time to think your decision through carefully
- Consider professional help such as individual therapy
- Try couples therapy as a last resort (but only if you are genuinely open to it)
Emotional preparation:
- Prepare yourself for your partner’s emotions: anger, sadness, incomprehension
- Build a support network of friends, family or professionals
- Realise that this will be a difficult period for both of you
Financial preparation:
- Take stock of your entire financial situation
- Gather documents about income, expenses, assets and debts
- Consider an introductory meeting with a solicitor for legal advice
Step 2: Having the Conversation
Communicating your decision:
- Choose a quiet moment without distractions
- Be clear and direct: “I have decided that I want a divorce.”
- Tell your partner that this is a final decision
- Show understanding for their emotions but stick to your position
- Communication about the divorce must be clear to avoid misunderstandings
- It is essential to be empathetic and put yourself in your partner’s shoes when communicating about the divorce
Proposing mediation:
- Suggest going to a mediator together
- Explain that mediation has advantages for both of you
- Emphasise that the goal is to reach good agreements
- Respect your partner’s decision if they are not open to this
If agreement is reached, both parties can sign the agreements to make them official.
A mediator is neutral and independent and does not try to convince either partner to agree to the divorce. However, a mediator does help to discuss concerns and questions, which can contribute to a constructive dialogue.
- Suggest going to a mediator together
- Explain that mediation has advantages for both of you
- Emphasise that the goal is to reach good agreements
- Respect your partner’s decision if they are not open to this
Important points for discussion:
- Allow space for emotions and initial reactions
- Discuss practical matters such as housing and children
- Propose a timeline for the further course of events
- Avoid discussions about blame or recriminations
- The well-being of the children must be paramount in a divorce
Step 3: Submitting a unilateral petition
Selecting a solicitor:
- Find a solicitor who specialises in family law
- Compare different solicitors in terms of experience and costs
- Discuss your situation during an initial consultation
- Inquire about options for subsidised legal aid for those on low incomes
- It is necessary to engage a solicitor specialising in family law if your partner opposes the divorce
Drafting the petition:
- Your solicitor will draw up a unilateral request
- Important elements: grounds for divorce, proposals for children and finances
- Evidence of irretrievable breakdown of the marriage
- Proposals for the division of assets and any maintenance payments
Court proceedings: * The petition is submitted to the competent court
- Your partner will be given the opportunity to defend themselves
- A hearing is held at which both parties are heard
- The hearing usually lasts 30-45 minutes
- During the hearing, the judge must rule on a unilateral request for divorce
- The judge will issue a ruling within six weeks of the hearing
- After the hearing, you will usually receive a written divorce decree from the court within four weeks.
- This written divorce decree is necessary to finalise the divorce. Both parties can still appeal against the ruling after receiving the decree.
Possible objections from your partner:
- Your partner may try to delay the proceedings
- Sometimes an appeal is lodged against the ruling
- In practice, divorce is almost always granted in cases of irretrievable breakdown
- If the other partner objects to the divorce, this can lead to additional hearings and legal proceedings, which can delay the process. If one of the parties disagrees with the ruling, they can appeal to a higher court.
6. Common mistakes in unilateral divorce
Mistake 1: Divorcing on the basis of emotion rather than a well-considered decision
- Take at least three months to make your final decision
- Seek professional help to gain clarity about your feelings
- Talk to trusted friends or family about your situation
Mistake 2: Not seeking professional help
- Never underestimate the complexity of divorce proceedings
- A solicitor saves time, money and stress in the long run
- A mediator can also offer valuable help, even in cases of conflict
Mistake 3: Involving children in adult conflicts
- Tell your children about the divorce together with your partner
- Keep children out of discussions about finances or blame
- Ensure that both parents remain involved in the children’s upbringing
Mistake 4: Underestimating the emotional impact on yourself
- Even if you want to divorce, the process will be emotionally difficult
- Seek support from friends, family or a therapist
- Take good care of yourself during this stressful period
Pro tip: How to avoid these mistakes
- Plan carefully and do not rush
- Feel free to contact professionals for advice
- Always put the welfare of any children first
- Remain respectful towards your partner, even if they are not cooperating
8. The importance of professional help
Divorce is always a traumatic event, but if your partner does not want to divorce, the process often becomes even more complicated. In such a situation, professional help is not a luxury, but an absolute necessity. An experienced solicitor or mediator can guide you in reaching agreements on the division of assets, the care of minor children and other important matters. They are familiar with the legal procedures and know how best to deal with a partner who is unwilling to cooperate.
Open communication with your ex-partner remains important, but in practice this is not always easy. Emotions can run high and the conversation can quickly become deadlocked. A mediator can then offer a solution by steering the conversation in the right direction and ensuring that both parties can tell their side of the story. This creates room for new insights and allows agreements to be reached, even when the situation seems hopeless.
A solicitor is indispensable when it is really impossible to reach agreements together. Your solicitor represents your interests and ensures that the unilateral petition is correctly drafted and submitted to the court. Even if the other partner appeals, your solicitor will assist you during the further course of the proceedings.
In short: professional help makes the difference between a messy divorce and a divorce that is as amicable as possible. It provides peace of mind, clarity and increases the chance of a fair outcome. Don’t be afraid to ask for help – it is a sign of strength, not weakness, especially during this difficult period.
7. Practical example: Unilateral Divorce in Action
Case study: Sarah wants a divorce, but her husband refuses to cooperate
Initial situation: Sarah (42) and Mark (45) have been married for 15 years and have two children aged 12 and 9. After much thought, Sarah has decided she wants a divorce, but Mark categorically refuses to cooperate. He hopes their relationship can still be saved and does not want to discuss divorce.
Financial situation:
- Joint income: £65,000 per year
- Mortgage on family home: €280,000 remaining debt
- Sarah works part-time (€25,000), Mark works full-time (€40,000)
- Both children live at home, school costs and normal family expenses
Steps taken:
| Month | Action | Result |
|---|---|---|
| Month 1 | Sarah informs Mark of her decision | Mark refuses to cooperate and becomes angry |
| Month 2 | Proposal for mediation | Mark declines, no interest in discussions |
| Month 3 | Sarah seeks solicitor, initial consultation | Legal advice, preparation of unilateral request |
| Month 4 | Unilateral petition submitted | Mark receives summons, seeks own solicitor |
| Month 5 | Mark’s defence, both parties prepare for hearing | Proceedings ongoing, extensive correspondence between lawyers |
| Month 6 | Court hearing | Both parties heard, judge asks questions |
| Month 7 | Judge’s ruling | Divorce granted, agreements on children and finances |
| Month 8 | Document sent to the registry office | Official registration, divorce finalised |
Final result after 8 months:
- Total costs: € 6,200 (both solicitors, court costs, valuations)
- Childcare arrangement:Â 50/50 co-parenting, both parents involved
- Financial arrangements:Â House sold, proceeds shared, no alimony
- Emotional outcome:Â After initial conflict, both parties found peace
Mark was initially very angry, but as the process progressed, he gained new insights and was able to accept the situation better. The children received help from a family coach to cope with the divorce.
8. Frequently asked questions about unilateral divorce
Question 1: Can my partner prevent the divorce?
No, your partner cannot prevent a divorce, only delay it. In the Netherlands, the consent of both partners is not required. However, your partner can delay the process by lodging an objection or appeal, but ultimately the court will grant the divorce in the event of a permanent breakdown of the marriage.
Question 2: How long can the process take?
A unilateral divorce usually takes 6 months to 2 years, depending on your partner’s cooperation. Without objections, it takes about 6-8 months. In case of opposition and appeal, it can take up to 2 years. The average processing time is 10 months.
Question 3: How much does a unilateral divorce cost?
The costs vary from € 3,000 to € 10,000, depending on the complexity and duration of the process. This includes solicitor’s fees (€ 250-€ 350 per hour), court fees (€ 334), and any valuations. If you are on a low income, you may be eligible for subsidised legal aid. Law & More does not work on the basis of subsidised legal aid.
Question 4: How do I tell the children?
Try to tell the children about the divorce together with your partner, even if he or she is not cooperating with the divorce itself. Be honest but age-appropriate in your explanation. Emphasise that both parents love them and will remain involved. Consider seeking help from a family coach or child psychologist.
Question 5: Can I get subsidised legal aid?
Yes, if your income is below € 30,700 (2024), you are eligible for subsidised legal aid. You will then pay a personal contribution of at least € 196 and the government will reimburse the rest. There may also be arrangements for slightly higher incomes. Law & More does not work on this basis.
9. Conclusion: Your Next Steps
The 5 most important points to remember:
- Legal options: You always have the right to file for divorce unilaterally; your partner’s consent is not required
- Try mediation first: Even in the face of opposition, a mediator can help reduce conflict and reach better agreements
- Seek professional help: A solicitor is essential for unilateral proceedings; mediation can provide additional help
- Protect children: Keep children out of adult conflicts, but involve them in the changes in an appropriate manner
- Emotional preparation: Ensure you have sufficient support and guidance for yourself during this process
It is time to take action. Even though this is a difficult period, you have the right to a new start and personal happiness. Many people in your situation eventually find the courage to take the step and later look back on it with relief.
Your first step:Â Schedule a no-obligation consultation with a solicitor from Law & More to discuss your options. During this consultation, you will gain clarity about the possibilities in your specific situation, without any immediate obligations.
Remember: everyone has the right to happiness and a healthy relationship. If your marriage is irretrievably damaged, divorce is often the best choice for everyone involved – including your partner and any children. After the divorce decree has been issued, it must be registered in the civil registry to be official. The divorce is only official after registration with the municipality, once the court has issued its ruling.
Contact a professional today, without obligation. The first step is often the most difficult, but also the most important one towards your new future.