Introduction: What Does Divorce with Children Mean and Why is it Important?
Divorce with children is a complex situation in which the interests of the child are paramount. Stability and security are crucial for the child during a divorce. Everyone must listen to the child’s needs and respond to them during and after the divorce. It is important to talk to children about what is happening so that they feel heard and understood. Every year, more than 70,000 children living at home in the United Kingdom experience their parents’ divorce. In this guide, you will learn everything about the legal obligations, emotional impact and practical steps to support your children as best as possible during this difficult period.
This page covers the parenting plan, emotional consequences per age group, practical tips for talking to children, and helps you prevent children from experiencing negative consequences of the divorce. Whether your parents are separating due to divorce or the end of a cohabiting relationship, the impact on children is similar. It is very important to tell children about the divorce in an open and honest manner so that they know where they stand. Effective communication between divorced parents is essential for the well-being of their children.
The aim is to help professionals and parents provide the best possible support to children of divorced parents, so that their development and well-being are safeguarded. In this guide, you will find information and help to guide you through this period as smoothly as possible.
Understanding Divorce with Children: Key Concepts and Definitions
Basic Legal Concepts
When parents divorce with minor children under the age of 18, specific legal obligations arise. In cases where parents are not married, or in other situations where parents separate, these obligations also apply. Divorce in this context includes not only divorce, but also the separation of unmarried cohabiting parents. Drawing up a divorce agreement is not mandatory, but it is advisable in order to clearly record agreements. It is important that parents inform the school of their divorce in a timely manner.
Important terms you should know:
- Parenting plan: Mandatory document since 2009 containing agreements on care, upbringing and finances
- Parental authority: The right and duty to make decisions about your child
- Visitation arrangements: Agreements about when the child stays with which parent
- Co-parenting: Both parents care for the child at least 40% of the time
- Primary residence: The child lives primarily with one parent
The difference between divorce and the termination of a cohabitation contract with children lies mainly in the procedure, but the obligations surrounding the parenting plan are identical.
Relationships Between Concepts
The various legal concepts are closely related:
- Parenting plan → contains agreements about visitation arrangements → regulates practical care
- Parental authority → determines who makes decisions → influences daily life
- Best interests of the child → central to all decisions → take precedence over the wishes of the parents
- Care arrangement → if parents have parental authority over their child and no agreements have been made, the court can establish a care arrangement to provide clarity. At the request of one parent, the court can grant parental authority to one parent if this is in the best interests of the child. If there are multiple children, the court will determine separately who will be granted parental authority.
A child interview or court hearing usually takes place at a specific location, such as the court or a meeting room.
Why a good approach to divorce is crucial for children
Research shows that children of divorced parents score slightly lower on average in terms of social-emotional development, school performance and psychological functioning than children from intact families. Divorce often makes it more difficult for children to feel safe and stable, especially when there is a lot of conflict between parents. However, it is not the divorce itself, but rather prolonged conflict between parents that poses the greatest threat to children’s well-being. In addition, after a divorce, children often experience emotional distress, sadness, feelings of guilt and loyalty issues, which can further affect their well-being.
Dutch longitudinal studies show that:
- Approximately two-thirds of children develop without structural problems after divorce
- One third report lasting emotional or behavioural problems
- Most problems manifest themselves in the first year after divorce
- After a divorce, children often experience emotional anxiety, sadness, feelings of guilt and loyalty issues
- Good counselling can reduce 85% of the negative impact
- Other positive influences in children’s lives do not compensate for the loss of a good relationship with their parents
For young people, divorce can have additional consequences in terms of identity formation and entering into relationships, as this stage of life is characterised by important emotional and social developments.
Important protective factors are:
- Low conflict intensity between parents
- Stable home situation after divorce
- Contact with both parents in a safe context
- Social support from family, school and friends
- A parent who takes good care of themselves is better able to care for their child
Making clear agreements and avoiding loyalty conflicts helps children maintain their sense of security and structure.
Comparison table: Consequences per age group
| Age group | Normal Development | Possible consequences of divorce | Recommended Approach |
|---|---|---|---|
| 0-2 | Bonding with parents, basic trust | Disturbed eating patterns, sleep problems | Stable routines, both parents involved |
| 2-4 | Autonomy development, language growth | Regression, fear of abandonment | Simple explanations, providing extra security |
| 4-12 | School skills, friendships | Feelings of guilt, concentration problems at school | Make it clear that it is not their fault; as a parent, set the right example by treating each other calmly and respectfully |
| 12 | Identity development, independence | Loyalty conflicts, risky behaviour | Respect for their opinions, professional help, continue to set a good example as a parent in communication and behaviour |
Step-by-Step Guide to Divorce with Children
Step 1: Preparation and Drawing up a Parenting Plan
The parenting plan is mandatory when divorcing with minor children. This checklist helps you arrange all the important points:
Mandatory elements according to Dutch law:
- Division of care and parenting responsibilities
- Visitation arrangements and holiday agreements
- Provision of information (school, care, activities)
- Financial arrangements and child support
- Decision-making on important choices
- Arrangements regarding child support can be laid down in the parenting plan
- In co-parenting, parents share the costs for the children, which promotes a fair distribution of financial responsibilities.
- Division of care tasks and upbringing
- Visitation arrangements and holiday agreements
- Provision of information (school, care, activities)
- Financial agreements and child support
- Decision-making on important choices
- Arrangements regarding child support can be laid down in the parenting plan
Practical tips:
- Use online tools and templates provided by the judiciary
- Discuss together what is best for your child
- Seek professional help in complex situations
- Consider future scenarios (moving house, new partners)
Step 2: Talking to the Children
For children up to 4 years old:
- Use simple words: “Mummy and Daddy are going to live apart”
- Reassure them that both parents will continue to love them
- Keep routines as consistent as possible
- Give extra hugs and attention
- Toddlers may experience confusion and feelings of guilt after a divorce
- Explain together that you are separating
- Make it clear that it is not their fault
- Tell them where they will be living and when they will see their father/mother
- Answer questions honestly but in an age-appropriate manner
- Listen carefully to what children say about their feelings and wishes, so that they feel heard and understood.
- Primary school children may experience emotional outbursts after the divorce
- Explain together that you are separating
- Make it clear that it is not their fault
- Tell them where they will be living and when they will see their father/mother
- Answer questions honestly but in an age-appropriate manner
For young people aged 12 and over:
- Respect their opinion about visitation arrangements
- Do not involve them in parental conflicts
- Offer professional help if there are major problems
- Keep an eye on contact with school and friends
- If a minor child wants a care arrangement, they can submit this request to the court themselves
Step 3: Guidance and Evaluation of Well-being
Recognise signs of stress in children:
- Changes in sleeping or eating patterns
- Regression in development (bedwetting, thumb sucking)
- Problems at school or with friends
- Withdrawn behaviour or conspicuous behaviour
Measure progress:
- Regular conversations with the child about their feelings, in which asking specific questions can help to gain insight into the child’s well-being
- Contact with school about performance and behaviour
- Review the parenting plan after 6 months, possibly by asking a professional about progress
- Adjust agreements if necessary
Seek professional help if problems persist for more than a few months or worsen.
Financial Care in Divorce with Children
Financial care is one of the most important considerations when parents divorce. Children of divorced parents benefit from clear and fair agreements about money, so that they do not have to worry about their basic needs. It is essential that parents take joint responsibility for financial care so that the children do not suffer as a result of the divorce. A good parenting plan helps to clearly set out agreements about costs and contributions. This way, both parents know exactly where they stand and the care of the children is guaranteed, also in financial terms. By working together and communicating openly about financial matters, divorced parents can offer their children a stable foundation, which contributes to their well-being and development.
Child maintenance and cost sharing
Child support is intended to ensure that children of divorced parents do not suffer any deprivation after the divorce. The court determines the amount of child support based on the income of both parents and the costs required for the child. It is important that divorced parents agree on a fair division of costs so that children do not face financial problems or negative consequences of the divorce. By making clear agreements about who will cover which costs, such as school, sports, clothing and healthcare, parents can prevent their children from experiencing financial worries. A transparent division of costs helps to prevent conflicts and ensures that children can continue to develop without additional stress.
Practical Tips for Financial Stability
To ensure financial stability after a divorce, it is important that divorced parents make clear agreements together. Start by drawing up a clear budget that includes all income and expenses for the children. Take into account fixed costs such as school fees, sports clubs and healthcare costs. It is wise to open a joint account for the children’s expenses so that both parents can easily contribute to the financial care. In addition, make sure you have a financial buffer for unexpected expenses, such as medical costs or school trips. Regularly review the financial situation together and adjust agreements if necessary. By continuing to communicate openly and taking responsibility together, separated parents can offer their children a stable and carefree foundation.
Common Financial Mistakes
In financial matters, divorced parents sometimes make mistakes that can have negative consequences for their children. A common mistake is not building up savings for future expenses, such as study costs or unexpected medical expenses. It also happens that parents spend too much money on luxuries or extras, while the basic needs of the children are not always properly taken care of. Debts can be an additional burden and cause stress within the family. It is important that parents are aware of these pitfalls and make agreements together to prevent financial problems. By managing money wisely and prioritising their children’s needs, separated parents can help minimise the impact of divorce on their children.
Common Mistakes Parents Should Avoid
Mistake 1: Involving children in parental conflicts Children should never be asked to relay messages between parents or choose between mum and dad. This causes loyalty conflicts and stress.
Mistake 2: Inconsistent rules between both homes Differentbedtimes, rules and expectations make children feel insecure. Agree on important matters, even if you live apart. Children need sufficient structure and clarity to feel safe and understood.
Mistake 3: Sharing too much or too little information Tell children what they need to know for their age, but don’t burden them with adult problems such as financial worries or new relationships.
Pro tip: Always focus on the happiness and well-being of your children. When parents work together in the best interests of their children, children usually adapt well to the new situation.
Practical example: The Van der Berg family’s divorce process
Case study: The Van der Berg family, with children aged 6 and 12, reduced divorce stress by 70% through good preparation and cooperation.
Initial situation:
- Parents decide to divorce after 15 years of marriage
- Son (6) and daughter (12) live at home
- Both parents want to remain involved in their children’s upbringing
- Initial concerns about impact on school performance
Steps taken:
- Consulted a mediator together for a parenting plan
- Children informed in an age-appropriate manner
- 50/50 co-parenting implemented with fixed changeover days
- Joint communication with school agreed
- Monthly evaluation of children’s well-being
- A professional engaged to support the family during the divorce process
Final results (after 1 year):
- School performance remained stable for both children
- No significant behavioural problems reported
- Children expressed positive feelings about both homes
- Parents were able to resolve conflicts professionally
Specific agreements that worked:
- Fixed exchange days (Wednesday and Sunday)
- Joint parent-teacher evenings at school
- WhatsApp group for practical arrangements
- Neutral place for handovers
Frequently asked questions about divorce with children
Q1: How do I tell my child that we are getting divorced?
Start with age-appropriate language and confirm that it is not their fault. Do this together as parents and give children time to ask questions. Repeat important messages such as “we both love you” several times.
Q2: When should I hire a solicitor?
In complex situations such as sole parental authority, high conflict, property issues or when one parent is not cooperating with agreements. Always start with mediation first if both parents are willing to cooperate. The court will also deal with child support in the divorce proceedings, which can be an important aspect when seeking legal assistance.
Q3: How do I determine the amount of child support?
The court uses standard tables based on the income of both parents and the costs for the child. Online calculation tools from the Rechtspraak (Judiciary) help to get an initial indication. In cases of joint custody, maintenance is often not required.
Q4: What is the difference between primary residence and co-parenting?
Primary residence means that the child lives primarily with one parent (more than 60% of the time). Joint custody is an equal division whereby the child spends at least 40% of the time with both parents.
Q5: When do children need professional help?
Seek help when problems persist for more than 3 months, such as sleep problems, behavioural changes at school, or when children feel very guilty. Professionals can help during this difficult period.
Conclusion: Key Points for a Successful Divorce
The impact of divorce on children depends mainly on how parents handle the situation. These five points make the difference:
- The child’s interests are paramount – All decisions are made based on what is best for your children, not on your own emotions or conflicts
- Parenting plan is mandatory and valuable – Make clear agreements about care, contact and finances to avoid ambiguity
- Age-appropriate communication – Adapt your explanations to what children can understand and process at each stage of their development
- Professional help with conflicts – Seek timely support through family therapy or legal assistance when you cannot reach an agreement
- Cooperation remains important – Even after the divorce, you remain parents together and good communication is essential
- Creating a stable and predictable environment is crucial for children of divorced parents
- Changed income situation – The changed income situation after a divorce can lead to stress and limitations for the child, which requires extra attention from parents.
Next step:Â Contact a family law solicitor at Law & More for help with the parenting plan. Remember that most children adapt well when parents work together in their best interests.