When a relationship ends, we often assume that the hardest period is behind us once the divorce has been pronounced. With coercive control, the picture is different. It is precisely the moment of leaving that can be the most dangerous phase. In this blog we explain what coercive control is, why it is something fundamentally different from a heated argument, and what role it plays within a divorce procedure.

What is coercive control?

Coercive control, sometimes also referred to as intimate terrorism, is a pattern of systematic domination within a relationship. It is not about isolated incidents of physical violence, but about a sustained strategy with which one partner controls, isolates and diminishes the other.

What is characteristic is that the control touches every area of life. Think of restricting contact with family and friends, controlling money, the phone and freedom of movement, constant criticism and belittlement, and creating an atmosphere of fear and unpredictability. Physical violence can be part of this pattern, but is by no means always present. The weapon is the grip on the victim’s daily life.

The difference from ordinary relationship conflicts

In many relationships people simply have fierce arguments. Conflict in itself is not a sign of coercive control. The distinction lies in the structure and the intention.

The sociologist Michael Johnson drew a useful distinction between situational couple violence and intimate terrorism. With situational violence, conflicts occasionally get out of hand, often from both sides, without an overarching pattern of power. With coercive control there is a one-sided, purposeful exercise of power and control, in which violence or threat is merely one of the instruments.

That distinction is not academic. It determines how dangerous a situation is, what protection is needed, and how sensible it is to opt for, for example, conciliation or mediation. With coercive control, equal consultation is virtually impossible, precisely because the balance of power is skewed.

Why the divorce increases the risk

With coercive control, everything revolves around control. Ending the relationship is then the ultimate form of loss of control for the perpetrator. This explains why the period around leaving and the divorce is statistically the most high-risk phase. The perpetrator often looks for new ways to maintain a grip now that the old routes are disappearing.

The procedure itself is not infrequently used as an instrument. Endless litigation, deliberately stalling agreements, withholding financial information and using the children as a means of pressure are all ways of continuing the grip through legal means. This phenomenon is also referred to as legal intimidation or post-separation abuse.

Consequences for children, custody and contact

Where children are involved, coercive control takes on an extra dimension. The starting point in family law is that both parents remain involved after the divorce and that the bond with both parents is protected. With a pattern of control and threat, that starting point can in fact work out harmfully.

Contact arrangements can be used by the perpetrator as a continuous channel of contact and as a means of continuing to influence the other parent. In serious cases this may be grounds for limiting contact, having it take place under supervision, or reassessing custody. In doing so, the court weighs the interests of the child, and that interest is not served by the continuation of an unsafe dynamic under the guise of restoring contact.

Legal options

The law offers various instruments to provide protection and break the control. Which route is appropriate depends on the specific situation.

A temporary restraining order to leave the home (huisverbod) can be imposed to keep the perpetrator out of the home when there is a serious threat. A contact ban and an order prohibiting approach can be sought through the court to prevent contact. Within the divorce procedure, provisional measures can be requested regarding, among other things, the use of the home, the care of the children and the finances, so that clarity and calm are quickly established.

In addition, good record-keeping is of great importance. Documenting incidents, messages and statements helps to make the pattern visible to the court, precisely because coercive control often takes place out of sight of others and rarely consists of a single clear piece of evidence.

The role of the lawyer

With coercive control, the lawyer is more than a legal representative. It calls for an approach that recognises the pattern and that prevents the procedure itself from becoming a new means of control. That means being reticent about forms of consultation that assume equality, being alert to delaying tactics, and putting the safety of the client and children first in every procedural choice.

At the same time, care is required. The accusation of coercive control is serious and is sometimes also wrongly used within a contentious divorce. A good lawyer examines the facts, substantiates the pattern where this is the case, and keeps an eye on the importance of a fair process for all involved.

Frequently asked questions

What is the difference between coercive control and a contentious divorce?

In a contentious divorce, conflicts escalate from both sides, often without either party structurally holding power over the other. With coercive control it concerns a one-sided pattern in which one partner controls and dominates the other. The distinction is important because it determines whether equal consultation and mediation are still realistic.

How do I prove coercive control if there is no physical violence?

Precisely because coercive control rarely consists of a single clear piece of evidence, making the pattern visible is decisive. Messages, emails, a log of incidents, financial documents and statements from people in the surroundings can together substantiate the picture. A lawyer can help to present these elements in an orderly and convincing way.

Is mediation advisable in cases of coercive control?

Mediation assumes two parties negotiating on an equal footing. With a skewed balance of power, that equality is absent, which means mediation can put the victim under further pressure. In such situations, a procedure through the court, with the necessary safeguards, is often more appropriate.

Can contact with the children be limited?

It can, although the starting point is that both parents remain involved. When contact is used to continue control or threat, the court can limit contact, have it take place under supervision, or reassess custody. The interests of the child are decisive in this regard.

What can I do if the procedure itself is used as a means of pressure?

Endless litigation, stalling agreements or withholding information are recognisable forms of control via the legal route. It helps to raise this pattern explicitly with the court and to request provisional measures that quickly create clarity regarding the home, the children and the finances.

What if I am wrongly accused of coercive control?

A wrongful accusation is far-reaching and deserves a careful rebuttal based on the facts. A lawyer can help to substantiate what actually happened and to ensure that the right to a fair process is upheld.

In conclusion

Coercive control and divorce are closely intertwined, because the divorce strikes at the core of what coercive control is all about: control. Anyone in such a situation is well advised to seek legal help in good time and to put safety first. For acute danger and advice in the Netherlands, you can contact Veilig Thuis on 0800-2000, and in case of immediate danger the police on 112.