Divorce with children: why communication is key

Where divorcing parents can communicate, almost everything else becomes cheaper and faster: a parenting plan they draft themselves, a joint petition and a quicker decision. Where they cannot, the same questions go to the court and are decided by a judge who does not know the family. That is why communication is a legal subject in Dutch family practice, not only a personal one.

The law reinforces this. Under article 815(3) of the Dutch Code of Civil Procedure (Wetboek van Burgerlijke Rechtsvordering, Rv), the parenting plan (ouderschapsplan) must record how parents will inform and consult one another about important matters concerning the children. A court faced with persistent conflict can refer parents to mediation, appoint a special representative for the child (bijzondere curator, article 1:250 of the Dutch Civil Code, BW), or take the pattern into account when deciding where the children live.

Why does communication with your ex-partner matter so much?

Because the way you talk to each other decides whether you can make arrangements together or need a judge to make them for you. It also shapes how your children experience the separation.

Most relationships start with high expectations and good intentions. Over the years, partners often develop a fixed pattern in how they react to each other. A divorce is the moment to break that pattern. It is also a moment to look at your own part, because you want to do things differently from now on, for yourself and for your children. Even with the best intentions, disappointments and misunderstandings will still happen.

Communication is the basis of every relationship, including the one you keep as parents. When communication fails, it is usually not because of the content of the conversation but because of the way things are said. The other person does not seem to understand you, and before you know it you are caught in the same old traps. Accepting a divorce is already hard for a child. Poor communication between the parents can add to the strain your children carry.

How can a divorce affect your children?

A divorce can affect children emotionally and in their behaviour, especially when the separation is marked by intense conflict. A stable bond with both parents is the most important protection against this.

Divorce is a painful event that often comes with conflict. It can affect both partners physically and emotionally, and it affects the children too. Children may struggle with low self-esteem, behavioural problems, anxiety or low mood. The more conflict and complexity in the divorce, the more serious the effects on the children tend to be.

For young children, building a secure attachment to their parents is a key part of their development. That requires favourable conditions: a parent who is available and offers calm, security, stability and trust. These conditions come under pressure during and after a divorce. It is therefore important that young children can continue their bond with both parents, through safe contact with each of them. An insecure attachment can lead to less self-confidence, less resilience and behavioural problems.

Children often experience the separation as a stressful situation that they cannot control or influence. In such situations, children may try to ignore or deny the problem. In some cases the stress can develop into symptoms similar to post-traumatic stress.

What is a loyalty conflict, and how do you avoid one?

A loyalty conflict arises when a child feels forced to choose between parents. You avoid it by making clear to your child that loving and enjoying time with the other parent is allowed.

Loyalty is the natural bond between parents and child. Almost every child is loyal to both parents. In a complex divorce, parents sometimes force their child to choose, consciously or unconsciously. Some parents also lean heavily on their child for emotional support. This creates an inner conflict in a child who naturally wants to stay loyal to both of you.

Having to choose is an impossible task for a child. Children often try to please both parents instead. An illustrative example: a child comes home to the mother after a weekend with the father. The child tells the father the weekend was great, but tells the mother it was terribly boring. It helps a child a great deal to hear from one parent that it is fine to have a good time with the other.

In some divorces a child comes to believe, or is made to feel, that they are responsible for a parent’s well-being. The child then takes on a caring role that does not belong to a child. These effects are most common where there is a lot of miscommunication and tension between the parents.

How do you keep communicating well with your ex-partner?

Talk face to face, take one subject at a time and stay calm and respectful. The practical tips below help you keep the conversation open during and after your divorce.

• Keep meeting each other and talk face to face. Avoid making difficult decisions by WhatsApp or over the phone.
• Listen carefully to the other person, and look at your own part as well. Respond only to what he or she actually says, and do not bring in matters that are not relevant to this conversation.
• Stay calm and respectful. If emotions run high, pause the conversation and continue later when you are both calmer.
• Do not put all your demands on the table at once, as this can discourage your ex-partner. Make decisions calmly, one subject at a time.
• Invite your ex-partner to respond and give their view on each subject. This gives you a clear picture of what he or she thinks.
• Aim to reach agreement rather than to deny your ex-partner things. A constructive attitude leads to better conversations.
• Avoid absolute words such as ‘always’ and ‘never’. This keeps the conversation open.
• Prepare each conversation well. Think in advance about the subjects that may be difficult or emotional for you.
• Agree that irritations are raised directly and not kept bottled up.
• Talk about these conversations with people around you. They give you an outlet for your emotions and can help you put things in perspective or suggest ideas for next time.

Where can you find support if the divorce is difficult?

Besides your lawyer or mediator, you can turn to people close to you, social workers and others who have been through a divorce. For your children, voluntary organisations and youth services can offer guidance.

Talking about difficult choices gives peace of mind and clarity, and helps you keep a constructive attitude. If talking to each other directly no longer works, a mediator can help you reach agreements together. If you are planning a divorce with children, the agreements you make on contact, care, information and child maintenance all end up in the parenting plan, which you submit to the court with your petition.

What is the key to breaking a deadlock?

Put your children’s interests first and ask yourself what they would want. That one question settles many discussions.

That the children’s interests come first seems obvious and hardly worth saying. Yet it can be the key when you cannot work something out together. Recognising the pattern in which you are both trapped is the first step towards stopping it.

Breaking such a pattern is not easy. It asks you, as a parent, to look at what your children need and at where your own emotions come from when you deal with your ex-partner. The quickest way forward is to recognise what is affecting you, and to ask yourself honestly what makes you shut down and stop discussing matters rationally with the other parent. That is usually where the key lies.

In summary

• Good communication lets you make your own arrangements; without it, a judge decides for you.
• The parenting plan must state how you will inform and consult each other about the children (article 815(3) Rv).
• Ongoing conflict between parents can harm children’s well-being, attachment and development.
• Avoid loyalty conflicts: let your child know it is fine to enjoy time with the other parent.
• Talk face to face, one subject at a time, and seek support from a mediator or others when needed.

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