In a divorce with children under Dutch law, the parents must file a parenting plan (ouderschapsplan) together with the divorce petition, they keep joint parental authority unless the court decides otherwise, and both remain liable for the costs of care and upbringing until the child turns twenty-one. The petition can only be filed by a lawyer, and the court will not rule on arrangements concerning a child of twelve or older without giving that child the chance to be heard.
What changes legally, and what does not
A divorce ends the marriage. It does not end parenthood, and under Dutch law it does not by itself end anything about the legal relationship between parent and child. Parents who exercised joint parental authority during the marriage continue to exercise it afterwards. Both keep the right and the duty to decide about school, medical treatment, residence and passports, and both keep the obligation to contribute to the costs of the children.
What has to be reorganised is everything practical that the marriage arranged silently: where the children live on paper, how the care is divided across two households, how the parents inform and consult each other, and who pays what. Dutch law does not leave that to goodwill. It requires the parents to write it down before the court will deal with the divorce at all.
The same requirement applies outside marriage. Parents who end a registered partnership, and unmarried parents with joint parental authority who stop living together, are under the same obligation to draw up a parenting plan. The procedure differs; the duty towards the children does not.
The parenting plan is a condition for the divorce petition
Since 1 March 2009 the Wetboek van Burgerlijke Rechtsvordering (Code of Civil Procedure) has required a parenting plan to be submitted with the divorce petition where there are minor children. It is an admissibility requirement, not a recommendation: without it, the court can declare the petition inadmissible. The only way round it is to show that agreement was reasonably impossible, in which case the petitioner must set out what has been done to reach one and how the parents intend to arrange matters, and the court will decide on the arrangements itself.
The law also prescribes what the plan must cover. It must record how the parents involved the children in drawing it up, how the care and upbringing tasks are divided or how contact is arranged, how the parents will inform and consult each other about the children, and how the costs of care and upbringing are shared. Anything else the parents want to agree, from holidays and handovers to how a new partner is introduced, can be added; the four statutory elements cannot be left out. Our guide to the parenting plan in the Netherlands works through each of them.
A parenting plan is not frozen once it is signed. Children grow, work changes, one parent moves. Parents can amend the plan together at any time, and where they cannot agree the court can be asked to change the arrangement. Building an evaluation moment into the plan, and a route for what happens if one of you wants to change it, is far more useful than trying to write an arrangement that will still fit a fifteen-year-old.
Parental authority after divorce
Joint parental authority continues after divorce by operation of law. Neither parent loses it because of the divorce, and neither can be given sole authority simply because the other is difficult to deal with. The court will only assign authority to one parent if there is an unacceptable risk that the child becomes trapped or lost between the parents and there is no prospect of improvement within a foreseeable period, or if a change is otherwise necessary in the interests of the child. That threshold is deliberately high.
Joint authority has practical teeth. Decisions such as choosing a school, consenting to medical treatment, applying for a passport and moving house require both parents. A parent with joint authority who is faced with a decision the other refuses can ask the court to decide the disputed point; the court then rules on the basis of the interests of the child. That route also covers the situation that generates most litigation after a divorce: one parent wanting to move with the children, either within the Netherlands or abroad. Consent or a court order is required, and moving first and asking afterwards is a poor strategy. We deal with the cross-border version of that question in our article on moving abroad during your divorce.
Where the children live: main residence and the care arrangement
Two things are often confused. The main residence (hoofdverblijfplaats) is the address at which a child is registered in the Basisregistratie Personen. It is an administrative fact with real consequences, because child benefit, the child-related budget and a range of allowances follow that registration. The care arrangement (zorgregeling) is the actual division of care and time between the two households, and it can be equal even where the child is registered at one address.
Dutch law does not prescribe any particular division and does not recognise a statutory percentage that turns an arrangement into co-parenting. Equal or near-equal shared care is common and works well where the parents live close together and communicate reliably; an arrangement built around one main home and regular contact is equally lawful and is often more workable where distances are longer or the parents cannot yet cooperate. What the law requires is that the arrangement serves the interests of the child and that it is actually carried out.
Both parents also have obligations towards each other that survive the divorce. The parent with whom the children mainly live must keep the other informed about important matters concerning the children and must consult them about important decisions. A parent who is not exercising authority still has a statutory right to information from the other parent, and can also ask third parties such as the school or a doctor for information about the child.
Child maintenance
Both parents owe a contribution to the costs of care and upbringing of their minor children, and the obligation continues for children aged eighteen to twenty-one who are not yet able to support themselves. It does not depend on marriage, on authority or on how much contact a parent has.
The amount is calculated using the guidelines that the courts apply, which work in three steps. First the need of the child is established, on the basis of the family income before the separation. Then the capacity of each parent to pay is calculated from their net disposable income. Finally the need is divided between the parents in proportion to that capacity, with a care discount (zorgkorting) that reflects the costs the paying parent already carries during the days the child is with them. That is why a broadly equal division of care usually reduces the maintenance figure but does not automatically remove it: where the incomes differ, a contribution normally remains payable. Our article on the child maintenance calculation in the Netherlands sets out the steps.
Maintenance can be recorded in the parenting plan and confirmed by the court, or fixed by the court where the parents disagree. An amount once set is not permanent: a change of circumstances, such as a new job, redundancy or a change in the care arrangement, is a ground to ask the court to reassess it. Where a fixed amount is not paid, collection can be handed to the Landelijk Bureau Inning Onderhoudsbijdragen (LBIO), which can recover the arrears.
The voice of the child in the procedure
The court does not decide about children without hearing them. Children of twelve and older are invited to give their views before the court rules on matters that concern them, in a short conversation known as the kindgesprek. Younger children can be heard as well if the court considers it appropriate. A child of twelve or older can also write to the court on their own initiative, and can ask the court to rule on contact, on the division of care or on where they should live, without a lawyer and without their parents filing anything.
The conversation is not a moment at which the child is asked to choose between the parents, and it is emphatically not the child who decides. The court forms its own view and gives reasons. Where the interests of the child and those of the parents genuinely conflict, the court can appoint a special representative for the child, the bijzondere curator, whose task is to represent the child in the proceedings.
The parenting plan itself must state how the children were involved in drawing it up, which is a modest but real obligation: it forces the parents to think about what the children have been told and what they think, before an arrangement is presented to them as settled.
How the procedure runs and how long it takes
A divorce petition can only be filed by a lawyer. Where the parents agree, one lawyer or one mediator can prepare the petition and both sign it as a joint request; where they do not, each parent instructs their own lawyer and the petition is answered by a defence. The petition goes to the district court of the place where one of the spouses lives, and it is accompanied by the parenting plan.
If the parents agree on everything, there is often no hearing and the court gives its decision on the papers within a few weeks. Where the arrangements are contested there will be a hearing, sometimes more than one, and the court may refer the parents to mediation or order a parenting assessment before it decides. Appeal against the decision is possible within three months.
Two deadlines are easy to overlook. The divorce is not effective when the court gives its decision; it takes effect only when the decision is registered in the registers of the civil registry of the municipality where the marriage was registered, and that registration must be done within six months of the decision becoming final. Miss it and the decision loses its force and the whole procedure has to be repeated. The second is that arrangements for the period before the divorce is final can be requested separately, which is what provisional measures are for: they can settle who stays in the family home, where the children live and what maintenance is paid while the case runs. We explain them in our article on provisional measures in divorce proceedings.
Court fees are set each year by the government under the Wet griffierechten burgerlijke zaken and depend on the type of case and on income. Parents whose income and assets fall below the statutory thresholds can apply for subsidised legal aid through the Raad voor Rechtsbijstand and pay a personal contribution based on income.
When the arrangement is not complied with
A care arrangement recorded in a court decision is enforceable. A parent who is structurally denied contact can go back to the court, which has several instruments: it can attach a penalty payment to the arrangement, it can change the arrangement, it can order a parenting assessment, and in extreme cases it can order that the arrangement be enforced with the assistance of the police. It can also transfer the main residence, although that is a last resort.
Before any of that, it is worth being precise about what is going wrong. Courts distinguish between a parent who obstructs contact and a child who resists it, and between an arrangement that is being frustrated and one that has simply become unworkable because of distance, school or the age of the child. The remedy differs accordingly, and a request framed on the wrong footing tends to fail. Where the conflict has become entrenched, the Child Protection Board (Raad voor de Kinderbescherming) may be asked by the court to investigate and advise.
International families
Where one parent is not Dutch, where the family has lived abroad, or where one parent wants to return to their country of origin, two questions come before everything else: which court has jurisdiction over the children, and which law applies. Within the European Union, jurisdiction over parental responsibility is governed by Regulation (EU) 2019/1111, which has applied since 1 August 2022 and which attaches jurisdiction in principle to the habitual residence of the child. A Dutch court can be competent to grant the divorce while another court is competent to decide about the children, or the reverse.
Taking a child abroad without the consent of the other parent with authority, or keeping the child there after an agreed visit, is international child abduction, and the Hague Child Abduction Convention provides for the swift return of the child to the country of habitual residence. Return proceedings are fast and the grounds for refusing return are narrow. This is the area in which acting before rather than after the move makes the largest difference, and where a lawyer should be involved at the planning stage. Our article on which Dutch court has jurisdiction over international families sets out the framework.
Common mistakes in a divorce with children
Signing a parenting plan that only describes the present is the first. A plan built around a schedule that suits a six-year-old and says nothing about how it will be reviewed produces a fresh dispute three years later. Write in an evaluation moment and a procedure for changing the arrangement.
Leaving the financial part vague is the second. A plan that says the parents will share the costs of the children in a reasonable way is not a maintenance arrangement and cannot be enforced. State an amount, state what it covers, state what happens with exceptional costs and state how it will be indexed and reviewed.
Using the children as messengers or as a source of information about the other household is the third, and it is the one that courts notice. It is also a factor the court weighs when it has to assess whether a parent is able to give the child room to have a relationship with the other parent.
The fourth is arranging everything except the paperwork. The registration in the personal records database, the notification to the school, the child benefit and allowances, the health insurance policy and the beneficiary designations on life insurance all need to be brought into line with the new situation, and the six-month registration of the divorce itself must not be forgotten.
Frequently asked questions about divorce with children
Q1: How do I tell my child that we are getting divorced?
Start with age-appropriate language and confirm that it is not their fault. Do this together as parents and give children time to ask questions. Repeat important messages such as “we both love you” several times.
Q2: When should I instruct a lawyer?
In complex situations such as sole parental authority, high conflict, property issues or when one parent is not cooperating with agreements. Always start with mediation first if both parents are willing to cooperate. The court will also deal with child support in the divorce proceedings, which can be an important aspect when seeking legal assistance.
Q3: How do I determine the amount of child support?
The court uses standard tables based on the income of both parents and the costs for the child. Online calculation tools from the Rechtspraak (Judiciary) help to get an initial indication. A broadly equal division of care lowers the amount through the care discount, but where the incomes differ a contribution normally remains payable.
Q4: What is the difference between primary residence and co-parenting?
Main residence is the address at which the child is registered in the personal records database, which determines child benefit and allowances. Co-parenting describes a care arrangement in which the children spend roughly equal time in both households. Dutch law sets no percentage for either, and a child can be registered at one address while the care is shared equally.
Q5: When do children need professional help?
That is a question for the school, the general practitioner or the local youth support service rather than for a lawyer. What the law can do is change an arrangement that is no longer working, and the court can order a parenting assessment where the parents cannot resolve the conflict themselves.
How Law & More can help
A divorce with children is decided in the details of the parenting plan and the maintenance calculation, and those details are what people live with for years. Our family lawyers draw up parenting plans, calculate and negotiate child maintenance, conduct proceedings on parental authority, main residence, contact and relocation, and advise on jurisdiction where the family has ties to more than one country. Where the parents are able to work together, we do that through mediation or a joint petition. You can read more on our family law page or speak to one of our divorce lawyers about your situation.
